The NFL Rank ‘Em Up: #32-29 QBs

June 12, 2011 at 6:00 pm (Sports) (, , , , , )

For my next trick, I’m going to try rank all of the offensive skill position players in the NFL.  This whole thing is based on the assumption that the NFL season will start up at some point before the second coming of Christ.  For the first one of these articles, we’re going to talk quarterbacks and since these rankings are going from bad to good, we’re starting with the worst of the worst, or at least the ones who haven’t had a chance to prove otherwise.

Without a wide receiver that can stay out of jail, Jake Locker will be hard press to not suck this season.

At the bottom of my list, occupying the #32 spot is Tennessee’s Jake Locker.  But, wait, I can already hear you say, “Jake Locker was your Rookie of the Year in literally the last article you wrote.  Why is he the cellar dweller here?  This was before Locker’s best receiver, Kenny Britt, decided to reenact his favorite scene from “World’s Wildest Police Videos”, and while he’s just barely famous enough to get off scott-free, this will probably be a distraction for the entire season, and besides, other than Britt, who is Locker going to throw the ball to?  Nate Washington?  Justin Gage?  Bo Scaife?  Sounds like things won’t end well for the former U of Washington alum.

Next on the list is Carolina’s Cam Newton.  It’s not a good sign when the #1 overall pick can’t even crack the top 30 quarterbacks.  Yes, he can get things done on his own.  But, unless he wants to meet an early retirement at age 24, he won’t run around as much as he did in his Auburn days.  There is only one person on the entire Carolina roster that I would even give the time of day to in the first one hundred picks, and that’s Jonathan Stewart.  Cam has nothing at wide receiver and I think his biggest receiver this season will be Jeremy Shockey.  Can’t see a lot coming from Newton, not until he gets a little bit of help.

Cracking the top 30 is Jacksonville QB Blaine Gabbert.  This is a risky pick, because there is a pretty good chance that Gabbert won’t start at all this season.  Unless something catastrophic happens to David Garrard, injury or suckage,  Gabbert will be wearing the headset this season.  But, if something does happen to the poster boy for Crohn’s disease, Gabbert could slip in, and put together some solid performances.  But, for right now, I think he’ll take the Aaron Rodgers approach, and wait his turn.

Colt McCoy has a similar problem to Jake Locker. The difference is McCoy doesn't have a good receiver, period.

The last quarterback in this article is Cleveland’s Colt McCoy, taking the 29 spot.  The Browns are getting better, but there not there yet, not even close.  There’s no receiver on the roster that I’d even want as a #2, if I were putting a team together from scratch.  Mohamed Massaquoi, Josh Cribbs (aka James Harrison victims #297 and 298), Brian Robiskie, Benjamin Watson, and the newly drafted Greg Little will fight for receptions.  Normally, this is the part where I’d make some sarcastic remark about how I could be the leading receiver for the Browns, but I’m not gonna lie.  This looks pretty damn grim.  Good luck Coltan, you’ll need it.

Well, that went pretty well.  This could be one of my better series.  Next time, we talk about three QBs that are running on empty, and one of my favorite rookies.


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